Growing Old

Hello, my name is Ryebrynn. and I have a problem with growing old. Not in general. Just the thought of losing interest in things I once loved.
Because, you see, my Underground birthday was the other day. I always celebrated it with some sort of fanfare, even just going on the forum and celebrating with friends. It marked me being on there for five years. FIVE YEARS. I joined when I was a baby-faced pre-adolescent. I was, like pre-pre-adolescent. I was young.  And I would spend hours on there. Battling, talking, writing. The Underground was my world. It comforted me and loved me through some very hard years when I moved to Liberia. It was always there for me. So the question on my mind today is;
Why can’t I be there for them? I’m growing old, outgrowing the Underground as if it were Narnia. I can’t count the nights on only one hand where I cried over outgrowing this. Because I love the Underground with all that I am, but I don’t fit. I can’t fit there anymore. I used to dance and laugh and live there. Now I haunt places such as Goodreads and Facebook, but never there as I was when I was an Undergrounder. This year I did nothing for my Underground birthday. There was no post screaming about it being five years. Just a reminder on my phone that was silenced and forgotten.
But I don’t know if there are others like me, others who outgrew the Underground. There are so many who must have, but some of my dearest friends never have. Some of them have the courage to be there, even if they don’t fit.
You must be wondering how I outgrew one of my favorite places. It’s simple. In February of 2015, I felt out of place, but only just. It started with me verging from my genre of choice in my writing. I felt the first threads of distance then. But then, in March, things fell out. The Underground, and a lot of what I loved about it, died. The forum crashed and died. I felt so empty, and though it was soon replaced with a new forum, Whitehall, I never felt connected again. Everything was suddenly gone.
I’ve fought with this for almost a year now, thinking of how this could even happen to me. Perhaps it was the pain and joy enclosed inside the folded pages of the old forum. The long conversations, even the ridiculous, yet amazing MallowBuddies. Perhaps, it was that I had been through so much that I couldn’t be Lady Lessien, Ryebrynn, Rice, Less, or any of the people I had become with the Underground. Perhaps it was that I was broken.
With the Underground I met some of my best friends, but I also lost them. Some of them disappeared without a trace. Moira, Charis, Elessar. So maybe that’s why I outgrew the Underground. Because the Underground is, in principle, it’s people, and I didn’t know any of the people anymore. And all of the people I once knew left me when I needed them.
All of you can ignore this post, especially if you don’t these people or this place. I just needed somewhere to talk about this.


1 thought on “Growing Old”

  1. *hugs*
    I'm sorry you feel you don't fit anymore. That you feel you've lost the connection. And I'm sorriest of all for the friends you've lost. I know what it's like- to make a friend, whether online or off, and then have that friend drift away.

    I want to say that if you ever want to come back to the UG, we'll welcome you. But I know from experience that it's not the same, that being welcomed isn't the same as fitting in.

    And for the record . . . if you ever need someone to talk to, my Goodreads PM box is open. I know I'm just one person, and it's not the same as the UG as it was. But I'm here, all the same, if you need me.


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